I’ve always been a tomboy. In fact,
one of my very first memories as a child has to do with being a tomboy and
learning that it was unacceptable. When I was around 4, my mom bought me
barbies to play with, and bought my 2-year-old brother hot wheel toy cars. I never
touched the barbies, except to cut their hair very short. Instead, she would
find me playing with my brother’s toy cars. I remember being scolded for this,
saying that cars were for boys and barbies were for girls. From then on, she
hid the toy cars from me and wouldn’t let me play with them. This was a very
early memory of me being a girl the “wrong” way.
Going along with this to a more
extreme, all the way up until I entered kindergarten, I refused to wear a shirt
or any girl clothes for that matter. I would take off whatever atrocious, pink
outfit my mom put on me and instead put on my brother’s basketball shorts. I
would run around outside with no shirt, and just like my dad and brother did, I
would go to the bathroom outside instead of walking inside (it’s okay, we live
in the country and have no neighbors so it’s a decently acceptable thing to do
IF you’re a guy). One time when I was around 5, we went to one of my mom’s old
high school teacher’s houses. My brother and dad went outside to play while my
mom stayed inside and talked, so as usual I followed the boys’ lead. I took my
shirt off like I always did while playing outside at home, and my mom and her
teacher stepped outside the house to catch me going to the bathroom in her yard
alongside my brother. My brother didn’t get scolded one bit. I got in so much
trouble for “behaving like a boy”. My mom said she was absolutely mortified I
would do that in public, and that she was disappointed in me for not acting
lady-like. To this day these memories of me being “bad” at being a girl stick
with me.
As I
entered grade school, my mom and I reached some sort of a middle ground. She
allowed me to wear my hair shorter and let me wear boy’s basketball shorts, but
always made sure I wore a girl colored shirt. Growing up, she always pushed me
towards doing art, music, theater, singing, etc. as opposed to doing sports. To
compromise, I did music for her but did sports for me. I’d say this was a
better balance of acting more like my assigned gender compared to the way I acted
prior to entering the school system.
As for being
a girl the “right” way, as I got older and watched what other girls around me
did, it was easier for me to present myself in a more girly fashion. It wasn’t
until high school that I started doing this – wearing make-up, dressing nicely
for class, wearing my hair longer, and having more girl-like mannerisms. Of
course, this excludes during sport – I revert right back to the pre-schooling
system version of my tomboy self. As for now, I love my body and the way I
choose to express my masculinity and femininity. For years I was not only
uncomfortable with the way I was expected to behave, but uncomfortable in my
skin, too. I have been 6’0” since the 4th grade. I got made fun of a
lot for my height by both girls and boys at that age, because I was a whole
head or two taller than every single boy in my class. That certainly didn’t
help my case of trying to blend in with the cute little feminine girls. Since
entering college, I have become fully comfortable in both my skin and in the
way I choose to express myself. I recognize I do not fit the hegemonic norm for
what a girl should look and act like, but I am no longer bothered by that. I
love being tall, I love being strong, and I love being rough/aggressive in
sport. These moments growing up certainly made me question myself and feel
self-conscious, and it’s taken me years to get past these comments and bullying
for being different. This being said, I have moved past those moments and those
comments - I like the person that I am today, even if that person isn’t as
feminine as most.
One thing
that does affect me today is the pressure to have the ideal feminine body and
being policed when your body does not fit that norm. As Krane Et Al. establishes,
there is a paradox associated with being a female athlete. Female athletes,
such as myself, have bodies that are muscular and large. The ideal feminine body
is very tiny, petite, and curvy. Clearly being a 6’0” powerlifter, my body does
not fit any of those descriptors. My moving body contrasts greatly with the
ideal feminine body/demeanor. This chapter talks about how femininity is the
socially constructed standard for women’s appearance, demeanor and values.
There is a large contradiction between hegemonic femininity and sport
performance. In other words, a “social” body is not at all similar to a “sporting”
body if you’re a woman. One thing that I related to on this topic was that this
paradox is apparent when buying clothes. Looking at jeans alone – I have to
order jeans online, not just size extra long, but size extra extra long. The
quad area is always extremely tight for me, and the waist is very large. I have
yet to find a pair of jeans that I feel comfortable in. This just shows that
society has a picture of what the female body should look like – short, curvy,
and legs that are indistinguishable from sticks apparently. Even when buying
clothes it is apparent that there is great contrast between the social and
sporting bodies of women.
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