Gender Expression

Pretty much since the beginning of time I have always been the girl who got along better with boys that girls. I grew up as the only girl on my street and so the natural instinct was to run around and get dirty with the guys, and to me that was normal. I didn't have only guy friends either, at school I would still always be friendly with the girls, but when it came down to it I would rather of played flag football or knockout that play tag or swing with the other girls. My parents never saw it as an issue, my guy friends never saw at as an issue, and no one to my knowledge had an issue with me being one of the guys until sixth grade when I picked up the sport I love: lacrosse. 

Where I'm from, central Illinois, lacrosse wasn't as big as it is now. So when I picked up the sport the only option for me in my area was to play with the guys, which big shocker I had no issue with. I had already hit my growth spurt at this point and was naturally taller that most of the boys and a little more built in general from other sports and games I had played growing up. Which one would think would not be an issue while playing a sport that requires a little more physicality. But this was not at all what I experienced, and unfortunately made me stick out even more since most girls are not really built the same as I was.

While playing lacrosse, I experienced for the first time not feeling socially accepted for being a girl. I had no issue taking a hit or putting my shoulder down before making contact, because for me playing with the guys on my street my entire childhood, these actions were normal. But being put in a new environment with new guys and a new coach who were all extremely aware of my femininity I for the first time felt like I wasn't just one of the guys. None of my teammates would want to run drills with me at practice or during games I became basically untouchable which was great for when I had the ball and wanted to score, but made me feel so isolated. It made me question if I actually wanted to play this sport.

After playing with the guys for two years my area finally introduced a girls lacrosse program, and I was encouraged to go play on that team  instead. I still had a great love for the sport but it was definitely a little culture shock learning the new set of rules that were so different to those of boys lacrosse. There was virtually no contact allowed at all, no padding whatsoever requires, and the worst part of all traditional uniforms required a shirt. But I also was able to find my first group of actual girl friends while playing this sport and even with the skirts and lack fo contact I was still able to find a sport that I was passionate about.